The Other Side of the Mountain

My brain has been on overload for far too long and is subsequently giving me a bit of writer's block.  While this might not be the most eloquent or clever blog post, I wanted to update everyone on Isabelle's condition.  We went in for surgery last Wednesday morning and your prayers were immediately evident.  I had a great sense of calm about the procedure after a good night of xanax induced rest.  We received a call the day before the surgery that it had been moved up to 7:30 in the morning.  This was great because I was no longer stressed about Belle having a fit because she was hungry before the surgery.  (They had ordered that she be NPO)  My wonderful Aunt Rita, who was taking care of my other two children, had no problem arriving at my house at 5:30 in the morning!  Matthew doesn't have school on Wednesdays and Noelle stayed home because she was diagnosed with strep throat on Tuesday.  The doctor assured me that Belle was not infected and with all the antibiotics she'd receive, she was covered anyways.  It could have been worse.  Noelle could have gotten sick on Wednesday.

When we arrived at the hospital Belle was sleepy, but actually liked her "hospital clothes."

We were blessed by several people that came to pray and wait with us during the surgery.  Pastor Chad arrived early to pray over Belle.  My mom and sister, who have always been my biggest supporters, took several days off work to help me.  My brother's sweet girlfriend Claire also joined us on her day off and came bearing gifts of coffee.  The love and support were wonderful.  
When it was time to say good-bye, David was given permission to take Belle back into the operating room and stay with her until she was asleep.  I am so grateful that he is such a strong Daddy.  I couldn't have gone with Belle without crying, so I stayed behind. 


Daddy and Belle dressed for surgery!

 The surgery took a long almost 3 hours, but the doctor said everything went smoothly!  Recovery was the next part and my biggest fear and challenge.  I hate to see my babies in pain.  Belle was not happy, but dealt with the pain with a sweet attitude.

Belle in the recovery room

 We had great luck to get a private new room in the recent addition to the hospital.  It was clean, very large, had a full private bathroom with a shower, a beautiful view, and sleeping accommodations for parents!  I was thrilled.  The room we had with Noelle was small, shared, very dirty, no shower, and only had a wooden chair for me to sleep in.  My sense of calm and joy that God took that stress away was huge! 



Belle and me in her "suite" with the balloons her brother and sister brought for her.

 Belle received excellent care and I believe it's because of that, that she was able to go home the next morning!  She still was occasionally sick from the anesthesia and zonked out from the meds, but we were so glad to be home. 

The comforts of home

There's nothing like a devoted doggy to make recovery easier :)

Noelle and Matthew were wonderful playmates and empathetic care-givers!

By Friday Belle was willing to try using her new walker to get around.  It was slow at first, but a week after surgery she's getting around with no problem! 

First try!

"Old pro"

Belle went to see her doctor yesterday an is making great progress.  She had her cast rewrapped to tighten it up and is scheduled to have it taken off May 5th!  We are grateful for all of our family and friend's prayers, meals delivered, time spent, texts, phone calls, and love.   

Feet of Strength

Yes, I couldn't help myself but use a line from Robin Hood, Men in Tights for my title...It's cheesy, but such a serious topic needed a little comic introduction.

In two weeks my youngest daughter will be having corrective surgery for club feet.  I wanted to give people a clearer picture of what it is that both of my daughters have conquered.  When they were born, there was no one for me to talk to and get answers about what my babies futures looked like.  We faced this birth defect blindly, and at times it was extremely painful emotionally and for my daughters, physically.  I wished there was someone out there who had been through this that could tell me what to expect and that it was going to be alright.  Maybe this blog post will be that to someone else.

Noelle was born with one club foot.  We didn't know about it until she was born, but I was already prepared for it.  I have a bicorniate uterus and so did the mother of one of my former students.  Her daughter was born with a club foot and she had briefly told me about it when I was pregnant.  That little conversation was a gift from God because when Noelle was born and the doctors were panicked, I had this unnatural calm.  I knew it was going to be okay and wasn't even shocked or upset. 

Noelle was put into a cast the week after her birth.  Each week I went to the pediatric orthopedist and she was re-casted, slowly bending the foot to the appropriate position.  The casts were made of plaster then and the process was very time consuming.  I'm go grateful to my sister for taking me to these long visits because I couldn't drive for six weeks after my c-section.  God sent me angels wherever I needed them.

My son Matthew was born with normal feet and I hoped that meant Noelle's club foot was just a "fluke" as the doctors put it.  At my 20 week ultrasound with Isabelle, they found that she had not one, but two club feet.  I was devastated.  I felt like it was my fault for wanting another baby.  In my mind I thought I did this, I caused this. 

It's weird to say, but it was a blessing that I had three-year old Noelle running around.  Living proof that Club feet can be fixed.  When Isabelle was born, my guilt and pain for her deformity made me extremely protective.  I didn't want anyone to see her and shudder.  She was beautiful and so I wanted her to have a name that meant beauty, "Belle."  The day after her birth, a nurse came in and took Isabelle from me and said, "the doctor wants to see her."  She wouldn't tell me which doctor.  I could barely walk after having a c-section, but that didn't stop me from "chasing" after her.  I found Belle being prepared for casting not even 24 hours after her birth.  They weren't even going to tell me!  I told the doctor that there was no way he was going to do this.  My baby needed a week to be pain-free before months of agony.  I won the argument.  Belle was casted five days after birth.

This is my mom holding Belle in her primary casts.  She had to have them changed weekly and her feet were slowly bent in the opposite direction.  It looks unnatural.  Belle cried ALL THE TIME!  This process took an exhausting 6 weeks.  I told my mom during this time, "I love my baby, but I am not enjoying her."  I feel like my daughter's infancy was stolen. 

After six weeks, Belle required a surgery that Noelle never had.  Her feet were "tight" and in order for Belle not to walk on her tip-toes someday, my little baby had the tendons in her heel severed to lengthen them.  Then, she was casted for another six weeks.  It was miserable.

 Finally, at 14 weeks old, Belle was free...almost.  Now she would have to wear her new shoes 23 hours a day.  These shoes helped maintain the feet in their new position. 

We took them off for bath time...which she had never had before.  I was so happy not to have to give her sponge baths and so was she!

She also got to do a little standing in her Exersaucer.  Her muscles were very atrophied from being in casts for so long. 

By five months, Belle only had to wear her shoes at night.  She was happy and I enjoyed being a mommy again!  Both of my daughters wore their shoes until they were 3 1/2 years old.

Nine months after Belle was out of her casts, it was time for Noelle to have the next surgery.  This surgery lengthened the tendon in her heel.  It also moved another tendon from the inside of her foot to the top of her foot, through the bones where it was anchored in the bottom of her foot.  It was more painful than we were ready for. 

The only thing that distracted Noelle from the pain was watching movies.....

and codeine induced sleep.  I can't believe I actually thought doing her hair and putting her in a brand-new dress to go home in would be appropriate.  I had no idea that it was going to be so rough.   After about 10 days Noelle's swelling and pain were much better!  She had a walker and could get around.  She played and made it through the next 6 weeks like a champ!

Noelle's left leg and foot are still much smaller than her right.  Shoes never fit her well.  That hasn't stopped her though!  She is an amazing soccer player, loves swimming, and is an extremely active 7 year old now.  She still has a little pain when she does a lot of running, but every year it's gotten better. 

Belle will have this same surgery this month on her right foot and then again in six months on her left foot.  I am so scared for her, but like Noelle, she is an amazingly strong little girl.  I am so thankful that God gave me this challenge to overcome.  It has made me a stronger more patient mother and created an incredible closeness with my daughters.   I can't say, however, that I'm glad my daughters have had to endure this deformity, but I am in awe of the strength, perseverance, and love for life it has created in them.  Please keep my fun-loving, beautiful Belle in your prayers!

Go

Have you ever heard the expression, "Be careful what you pray for?"  The more secular version substitutes "pray" for "wish" and ends, "you just might get it."  I have been saying some rather weighty prayers for a long time.  Specifically, I have been praying for several people and families God has placed on my heart, my church and it's outreach and missions programs, and for God to use me how he sees fit no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. 

It was mind blowing, after months of praying, that God showed me in one day that he was listening and working on all of my prayers!  I was elated that God could move mountains and do it with amazing timing.  I just wasn't prepared for the many ways God wanted to use me.  I was completely excited, but overwhelmed and taken to the limits of my comfort zone.  My joy turned to panic.  I began to worry that I wouldn't know what to do or say.  I felt like Gideon, needing more proof that God was with me.  (Judges 6)  Retreat was immediately on my mind, however, God used Gideon with an army of 300 men to defeat an army of about 135,000 men! (Judges 7)  He doesn't need me to be perfect for the work, he just needs me to go and have faith that He is perfect for the work.  It's God who changes lives, reaches hearts, and wins the battles.

Zest for Life

Today I received a gift. 

My kids have the day off and so we were able to sleep in a bit.  At 8:00 my three year-old climbed into my bed fully dressed, hair brushed complete with a matching headband.  She was carrying the game, Twister, and bounced on my bed asking, "Mommy, do you want to come play?"  My eyelids were still stuck together and mouth guard glued to my teeth.  I could barely say, mmhhmm.  At that point my five year-old climbed into my bed to snuggle and moaned, "I'm never getting dressed today."  My seven year-old, never made it out of bed until 9:00 and only spoke enough words to get what she wanted for breakfast, "Cinnamon Life, no milk." 

I remember a day when my older children were up and running with the sun.  Every morning was a joyful new day, full of fun and exciting things to do.  It occurred to me that this zest for life is lost at some point, apparently between the age of 3 and 5 for my family.  I don't know if kindergarten, alarm clocks, or responsibility are to blame for killing our joy or if it's just natural.  I wish life could always be met with as much zest as my little girl. 

She just ran screaming into the computer room, "Mommy, Mommy, come look outside, I can see the grass,  Woohoo! Spring is here!  Can we go play in the sandbox?"  I am happy to say, it's 9:30 and I've had my coffee, lost a game of Twister and now I just might get dressed and enjoy some fresh air. 

If Every Day Were a Special Occasion...

I've been preparing for Valentine's Day this week and during my shower I started thinking about what I'd like to achieve in time for the special day.  (My shower is my alone time and where I do my best thinking...the place of many a great epiphany)  My "to do" list got longer and longer.  I then, began thinking about my husband's thoughts for the holiday.  Here's how they compared in my head...

Me:  Buy some candy hearts to give to my children and husband.
David:  Yum, candy!

Me:  Pick out valentines with the kids to hand out in their classes.  Help them sign, get the cards ready and put in their school bags.
David:  Do what my wife said and help my son write his name on his valentines, Matt H. not Matthew because she said that would never fit, stick the matching tattoos on with tape just how she showed me, and then put them in the bag labeled Matthew.

Me:  Make sugar cookies shaped like hearts and let the kids help decorate them.
David:  Eat sugar cookies

Me:  Make pink cupcakes in the cute little heart paper cups I bought.
David:  Mmmmm, cupcakes.

Me:  Shave legs, exfoliate and use some good lotion to get silky smooth.
David:  It's about time!

Me:  Put on some make-up
David:  What's taking her so long?

Me:  Whiten teeth
David:  Gross, my wife is foaming at the mouth.

Me:  Make a special dinner, clean up the house, clean my bedroom, read valentine themed books to the kids, and make sure everyone knows they are special and loved.
David:  Love my wife and kids everyday.

Even in my inner monologue, David is the one who truly knows what's important.  I struggle to make everything "perfect."  I want to be the BEST mom and the MOST amazing wife.  In my mind, that revolves around what I do for my family.  In reality, who I am on a daily basis is what will make a lasting impact on their lives. 

Rebooting My Brain

I've become aware of so many things that I tell myself are true...or should be true and so it's not wrong for me to believe.  It's driving me crazy that I can rationalize things in my life and make it seem that what I'm doing is right, when it's just plain wrong.

While driving, I consistently go 5 miles over the speed limit because "there's a law that the real limit is always 5 over what's posted."  Cops aren't going to pull me over because they tell you to go 25mph but really mean just don't go above 30mph.

Telling the clerk at Kohl's I lost my coupon when I really gave it to my dad is fine.  Everyone is getting 15% off right now and I could have printed another one.  I was nice to my dad, so she should be nice to me.

I hate this one.  When my kids want to play and I just plain don't.  I rationalize that I am owed time to sit on my butt and do nothing.  I cook, clean, chauffeur, do homework, and blah blah blah blah blah...  Everyone with a paying job gets breaks so I should take one too.

That case of formula I bought years ago still haunts me.  The check-out girl scanned the first one and didn't realize she had to scan them all even though they were packaged together.  I didn't figure out why my bill was so cheap until I was driving away.....but I didn't go back.  I thought, maybe this is a gift from God.  I mean, how many times do I drive away from McDonald's and have paid, but didn't get what I ordered.  This is just God evening it out.

There's more, lots more.  But, I've already said enough to show that my brain is whacked out and needs a reality check.  I think we all do this stuff...some more, some less.  I think that's why I tell myself it's okay.  "Everyone stretches the truth and so we all should or we'll never survive in this world.  It's not like I'm really hurting anyone."  In all honesty, there are always consequences for our actions. 

Sibling Wars

I've noticed that my children, though only 3,5, and 7, are beginning to really annoy each other.  This morning at breakfast Noelle yelled at Matthew for the way he was chewing his food.  Yesterday, Matt couldn't stand the song Noelle was singing....over and over and over.  Belle hates it when either of them try to take over what she's doing and "do it the right way."  The screaming in this house is at an all time high and just causes the chewing, singing, and controlling behavior to persist at even more annoying levels. 

I have thought about yelling at them for being so mean to each other over such stupid things, but it really reminds me of my childhood.  I remember how my brother truly annoyed me to the point I thought my head would explode.  It was simple stuff...changing the channel, not doing what I said, breathing.  I was so truly enraged by his presence that I really didn't think I was being over-sensitive or mean.  At the time, when my mother yelled at me, I just got more annoyed and thought she was so unfair.  In light of my memories, I have decided to scream back, "You're all annoying and no one is allowed to talk anymore!"  This way I'm not invalidating their feelings and I'm not allowing them to continue in the behavior.  I'm not saying any of this is right, but it's working for me.  I can't wait to see what they say to me someday when they are parents and try to do things "better" than me.