Go

Have you ever heard the expression, "Be careful what you pray for?"  The more secular version substitutes "pray" for "wish" and ends, "you just might get it."  I have been saying some rather weighty prayers for a long time.  Specifically, I have been praying for several people and families God has placed on my heart, my church and it's outreach and missions programs, and for God to use me how he sees fit no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. 

It was mind blowing, after months of praying, that God showed me in one day that he was listening and working on all of my prayers!  I was elated that God could move mountains and do it with amazing timing.  I just wasn't prepared for the many ways God wanted to use me.  I was completely excited, but overwhelmed and taken to the limits of my comfort zone.  My joy turned to panic.  I began to worry that I wouldn't know what to do or say.  I felt like Gideon, needing more proof that God was with me.  (Judges 6)  Retreat was immediately on my mind, however, God used Gideon with an army of 300 men to defeat an army of about 135,000 men! (Judges 7)  He doesn't need me to be perfect for the work, he just needs me to go and have faith that He is perfect for the work.  It's God who changes lives, reaches hearts, and wins the battles.

Zest for Life

Today I received a gift. 

My kids have the day off and so we were able to sleep in a bit.  At 8:00 my three year-old climbed into my bed fully dressed, hair brushed complete with a matching headband.  She was carrying the game, Twister, and bounced on my bed asking, "Mommy, do you want to come play?"  My eyelids were still stuck together and mouth guard glued to my teeth.  I could barely say, mmhhmm.  At that point my five year-old climbed into my bed to snuggle and moaned, "I'm never getting dressed today."  My seven year-old, never made it out of bed until 9:00 and only spoke enough words to get what she wanted for breakfast, "Cinnamon Life, no milk." 

I remember a day when my older children were up and running with the sun.  Every morning was a joyful new day, full of fun and exciting things to do.  It occurred to me that this zest for life is lost at some point, apparently between the age of 3 and 5 for my family.  I don't know if kindergarten, alarm clocks, or responsibility are to blame for killing our joy or if it's just natural.  I wish life could always be met with as much zest as my little girl. 

She just ran screaming into the computer room, "Mommy, Mommy, come look outside, I can see the grass,  Woohoo! Spring is here!  Can we go play in the sandbox?"  I am happy to say, it's 9:30 and I've had my coffee, lost a game of Twister and now I just might get dressed and enjoy some fresh air. 

If Every Day Were a Special Occasion...

I've been preparing for Valentine's Day this week and during my shower I started thinking about what I'd like to achieve in time for the special day.  (My shower is my alone time and where I do my best thinking...the place of many a great epiphany)  My "to do" list got longer and longer.  I then, began thinking about my husband's thoughts for the holiday.  Here's how they compared in my head...

Me:  Buy some candy hearts to give to my children and husband.
David:  Yum, candy!

Me:  Pick out valentines with the kids to hand out in their classes.  Help them sign, get the cards ready and put in their school bags.
David:  Do what my wife said and help my son write his name on his valentines, Matt H. not Matthew because she said that would never fit, stick the matching tattoos on with tape just how she showed me, and then put them in the bag labeled Matthew.

Me:  Make sugar cookies shaped like hearts and let the kids help decorate them.
David:  Eat sugar cookies

Me:  Make pink cupcakes in the cute little heart paper cups I bought.
David:  Mmmmm, cupcakes.

Me:  Shave legs, exfoliate and use some good lotion to get silky smooth.
David:  It's about time!

Me:  Put on some make-up
David:  What's taking her so long?

Me:  Whiten teeth
David:  Gross, my wife is foaming at the mouth.

Me:  Make a special dinner, clean up the house, clean my bedroom, read valentine themed books to the kids, and make sure everyone knows they are special and loved.
David:  Love my wife and kids everyday.

Even in my inner monologue, David is the one who truly knows what's important.  I struggle to make everything "perfect."  I want to be the BEST mom and the MOST amazing wife.  In my mind, that revolves around what I do for my family.  In reality, who I am on a daily basis is what will make a lasting impact on their lives. 

Rebooting My Brain

I've become aware of so many things that I tell myself are true...or should be true and so it's not wrong for me to believe.  It's driving me crazy that I can rationalize things in my life and make it seem that what I'm doing is right, when it's just plain wrong.

While driving, I consistently go 5 miles over the speed limit because "there's a law that the real limit is always 5 over what's posted."  Cops aren't going to pull me over because they tell you to go 25mph but really mean just don't go above 30mph.

Telling the clerk at Kohl's I lost my coupon when I really gave it to my dad is fine.  Everyone is getting 15% off right now and I could have printed another one.  I was nice to my dad, so she should be nice to me.

I hate this one.  When my kids want to play and I just plain don't.  I rationalize that I am owed time to sit on my butt and do nothing.  I cook, clean, chauffeur, do homework, and blah blah blah blah blah...  Everyone with a paying job gets breaks so I should take one too.

That case of formula I bought years ago still haunts me.  The check-out girl scanned the first one and didn't realize she had to scan them all even though they were packaged together.  I didn't figure out why my bill was so cheap until I was driving away.....but I didn't go back.  I thought, maybe this is a gift from God.  I mean, how many times do I drive away from McDonald's and have paid, but didn't get what I ordered.  This is just God evening it out.

There's more, lots more.  But, I've already said enough to show that my brain is whacked out and needs a reality check.  I think we all do this stuff...some more, some less.  I think that's why I tell myself it's okay.  "Everyone stretches the truth and so we all should or we'll never survive in this world.  It's not like I'm really hurting anyone."  In all honesty, there are always consequences for our actions. 

Sibling Wars

I've noticed that my children, though only 3,5, and 7, are beginning to really annoy each other.  This morning at breakfast Noelle yelled at Matthew for the way he was chewing his food.  Yesterday, Matt couldn't stand the song Noelle was singing....over and over and over.  Belle hates it when either of them try to take over what she's doing and "do it the right way."  The screaming in this house is at an all time high and just causes the chewing, singing, and controlling behavior to persist at even more annoying levels. 

I have thought about yelling at them for being so mean to each other over such stupid things, but it really reminds me of my childhood.  I remember how my brother truly annoyed me to the point I thought my head would explode.  It was simple stuff...changing the channel, not doing what I said, breathing.  I was so truly enraged by his presence that I really didn't think I was being over-sensitive or mean.  At the time, when my mother yelled at me, I just got more annoyed and thought she was so unfair.  In light of my memories, I have decided to scream back, "You're all annoying and no one is allowed to talk anymore!"  This way I'm not invalidating their feelings and I'm not allowing them to continue in the behavior.  I'm not saying any of this is right, but it's working for me.  I can't wait to see what they say to me someday when they are parents and try to do things "better" than me.

Being Honest at Three

Isabelle hasn't been feeling very well for a few weeks.  She's had an ear infection and finished antibiotics a week ago.  Since then she has had a super runny nose, been really cranky, really constipated, complains of random itchiness, sore throat, and is occasionally pale.  I'd normally take her back to the doctor, but she hasn't had a fever, plays happily, eats, drinks, and seems normal.  It's so hard to know when a three-year old is really sick or just complaining for attention.  My guess is she just has an old-fashioned winter cold.

So, last night when she was hiding behind a chair, not wanting to go poopy again, I asked her if she would tell me the truth.  I was not ready for the conversation that followed.

Belle questioned, "About cuz I don't wanna poopy?"
I replied, "Yes, and what else is bugging you.  Does anything else not feel good?  Be honest."
Belle, "Well, my froat is kind of yucky and my hair hurts."
Mommy, "Oh, and is there anything else?"
Belle, "Well my ear is not good."
Mommy, "Which one?"
Belle, "This one....no wait, this one."
Mommy, "What does it feel like?"
Belle, "Bugs and bees and stingers and dog stink."

You'd think after seven years as a mommy, I wouldn't be surprised by anything.  All I could do was cover my smile and say, OK.

On a happy note, Belle says she feels really good and all the bugs and bees flew away when I was carrying in the groceries today.

Sticks and Stones

Lately, I've felt so alienated in this world.  I have a wonderful family and really great friends, but outside of my little world everyone seems foreign. As much as I love them, I can't relate to most of my family members and many people I've called friend for years.

I watch the news, sitcoms, talk shows, listen to the radio, see comments on facebook and read Internet articles, all of which are so far from my reality.   I welcome diversity, but feel that the "common truths" our forefathers agreed upon have become so tissue paper thin.  What a life is, is debatable, freedoms are only for the people of great influence and their followers, and trying to be happy seems to be difficult to do without being judged.  I'm constantly on my guard not to offend with my comments or actions.  It's so hard to be myself.  I like me, but I don't set any current standards for normalcy.  My values are definitely not aligned with common ideas.

I feel that today's mentality is to focus on ourselves.  "It's my right to voice my opinion and your opinions are hateful."  "Let someone else help out, I've got my own stuff to do."  "I couldn't possibly do something that mundane, it would stifle me."  It's easy to fall into this trend, but I don't see how looking out for "number one" is making anyone happier.  We were not created to progress as solitary beings.  You might respond, "I'm not alone, I've got tons of people in my life!"  Be honest though, how many of those people could you truly bare your soul to with raw honesty?  One if you're lucky.  Just being truly honest with yourself is painfully uncomfortable.  How can man hope to find progress, if he is the king of his world, but so is everyone else?  How can man be productive if he is the basis of all truth?  Which tomorrow, could change.

I'm not looking to change the world with this little entry on my blog.  I have just been so sad at the state of our world.  I have been so sad for my loved ones, great friends, and neighbors.  I have been so sad for my countrymen, people in the media, politicians, citizens of other countries and world leaders.  I am so sad that it is far more intelligent to stand alone than to stand solidly unified.  Maybe there is such disunity and unrest among people because we are not all anchored into one solid truth.

I was listening to a song that questioned, "What will happen after we're gone?"  I thought about the body that we leave behind and how it's just a shell of who we are.  I've never really been able to feel at home in my own body.  It's awkward, slow, gives me a lot of pain, addictive, and physically inept.  I've always said the true me is looking out through my eyes.  The true me is locked inside this flesh.  I don't need another person, a book, or out of body experience to tell me that there is more to me than Emily, 1977-20??. 

This world makes me feel uncomfortable, sad and alone.  The Truth gives me rest, joy and hope!